Rev!: What have you learned that would help churches to build up their ministry to men?

Arterburn: Most men are uncomfortable going to church. For the most part, it's not something they pick as a top priority of what they'd like to do in their spare time. Therefore, the more things a church can do to bring a man into a church setting, the more apt they are to reach him. Many men don't feel comfortable singing songs and sitting passively. While it seems corny, a "wild game night" [not paintball -- venison, pheasant, and so on] really is a good idea -- we need to find ways to bring men together and provide excuses for them to connect. This works a lot better than giving men cards to hand out to their friends about church or preaching them sermons on bringing their families because "that's what men are supposed to do."

We also learned that men feel spiritually inferior to women and have a hard time stepping up to a spiritual role. So the goal is to help them see spiritual leadership differently than teaching the Bible and leading family devotions. Personal leadership involves being the first to ask for forgiveness, serving others, and putting them first. It's challenging, but it's a great relief to men when we can help them understand spiritual leadership this way rather than dragging them into their family rooms to read Daily Bread.

Our study also confirms what we already know about men -- most don't have a male friend they can confide in. If the church can provide opportunities to promote safety and authenticity, they can attract guys. Just as eHarmony is a place for singles to meet others, the church should be the place for men to connect -- because most are afraid and vulnerable. Their most underestimated emotion is fear. Men are afraid they'll run out of money, won't have enough for retirement, that they don't measure up in the eyes of their wives, especially when wives compare them to others. Fear shuts them down. If we can provide places for men to come together and share their secrets, it takes the power out of their secrets and helps them know they're not alone.

Rev!: How does what you've learned relate to male pastors, and what advice would you give them?

The men in the church who are least likely to have friend connections are pastors. Their biggest challenge is the disconnection they've had from other men and the isolated life they think they have to lead. Along with this often comes an arrogant entitlement that makes them think they have to live above the other people in the church. So start by finding four or five other men who you want to get into a friendship relationship with -- not teaching Bible, but being friends together, having fun, connecting, and finding safety to share your struggles. If a pastor isn't sharing his struggles, his #1 priority should be to find friends so he can. Such a group is not a place for him to share his theological knowledge, but rather his life.

If you evaluated a male pastor's performance based on how well he's connected to other men, and made it part of his job description -- having connections where he experiences openness and honesty -- we could rid our churches of scandals. The pastor needs to start with himself and begin to be open with a group of men, and then encourage those men to go and start other groups. You'll build an amazing church if you do that, and you'll keep yourself out of trouble.

I try to practice what I preach. I have people at my ministry, four other guys, who have my email password. There's nothing that goes, even between my wife and me, that can't go between them. I have no secrets. There's nothing in a drawer in my house that they can't look at. If you live that way, you're not spending half your time covering your secrets. I encourage pastors to change the paradigm of keeping their private lives hidden.

When pastors aren't open often it's because they have secrets. They've preached that if you just pray hard enough you won't have problems, so they feel they'll be rejected if people know them. Plus they haven't had a model of a nurturing, accepting father who demonstrated this.

If you've been burned or betrayed, start teaching openness and authenticity in another way. If it's in a new church, then begin in the interview process. Hang out and have fun with other men. Forget the hierarchy that leaders don't connect with staff. When you get inside many churches, you see the same thing: senior pastors who don't even know the pastor of youth. Build your church based on openness and authenticity. They won't burn you -- because they're like you, demonstrating grace.

Can You Keep a Secret?

Here's a small sampling from the Men's Life Satisfaction Survey, which formed the basis for Steve Arterburn's book The Secrets Men Keep (Integrity) -- women, of course, have a few of their own.