Who started the labeling of pastors’ children? Did we think that calling someone a PK would increase commendable behavior? As a “PW” I’ve always thought it was interesting to hear comments such as:
“I can’t believe the PK acted like that!”
“You’re a PK: you should know how to pray in public.”
“That’s what a PK is for—cleaning up after church.”
“A PK should set an example for all the other children.”
Those comments are a few of dozens I’ve heard over the years. The labeling of pastors’ children seems unnecessary and unfair. What if we labeled our congregations’ kids with names like DK (doctor’s kid) or SK (salesperson’s kid) or CBMK (church board member’s kid)? My goal is to raise an AK—an awesome kid!
We can help decrease the labeling of our children by talking about it openly when the need arises. Let people in your congregation know that you want to raise your children to love Jesus and not resent the church. It’s important that they can be themselves and be accepted simply as children. No one likes labels.
Pastors’ kids already have unique lives because of their parents’ role. They’re expected to sit in church and listen because Mom or Dad is in the pulpit. They’re required to come early for most services and be the last ones out the door. Pastors’ kids must sacrifice the prizes in children’s ministry so other kids feel welcomed. They need to smile when yet another grandma squeezes their cheeks. Little PK’s aren’t supposed to wiggle or melt down in public because it reflects negatively on Mom or Dad. And pastors’ kids are also privy to information that must be kept secret. These pressures aren’t often spoken about out loud, but they’re very real and felt deeply by pastors’ families.
On the other hand, pastors’ kids are also blessed in unique ways. They have access to almost any room in the church, including the staff refrigerator. They have opportunities to meet and spend time with all types of people: missionaries, guest singers, and key leaders in the church. Pastors’ kids receive the benefits of free tickets to concerts, sports events, and retreats because of their parents’ position. While some kids dislike the extra attention, others thrive because of it.
If you’re raising children in the shadow of the church, here are some tips to help foster healthy development:
1) Teach your children that you expect them to act like loving Christians because they want to honor God, not because their mom or dad is the pastor.
2) Encourage your congregation to let your children be kids. Thank church members for loving your kids and accepting them just the way they are.
3) Don’t expect your kids to attend every church function. It’s perfectly acceptable (and healthy) for them to watch TV in the back room while Mom or Dad conducts another Bible study. They can even miss a few Sunday services and still make it to heaven.
4) Share the privileges of being a pastor’s family with your kids. We told our boys on many occasions, “We’d never have these great seats at the ballgame if we weren’t the pastor’s family. Isn’t that cool?”
5) Relax and realize that part of being a child includes temper tantrums, meltdowns, dirty shirts, and arguments with other kids. It’s normal and okay—even for the leader’s offspring.
6) Protect them from negative conversations as much as you can. Don’t let them hear the dark side of people and ministry. It* is healthy to ask them to help you pray for people or situations. Praying together reminds all of you that God is the source of your strength.
7) Stay actively involved in their world. They have to be engaged in yours more than the average child, so remember to disengage sometimes from the demands of ministry and get involved in their interests and activities. Take time to laugh and play together often.
Helping kids grow up to love Jesus should be our primary focus. Perfect behavior is not the goal. Your true friends will love you in spite of what your kids say or do. So relax and enjoy the journey of raising Christlike kids.
NANCY NELSON is an ordained women’s minister and popular retreat speaker. She’s been a pastor’s spouse for more than 20 years, as well as a home-school mom. She and her husband and children live in Fort Collins, Colorado.
copyright © 2009 Group Publishing Inc.
