The kind of watch you choose to strap on your wrist says something about you. Consider the pastor who wears a digital watch with a built-in alarm and a mini-calculator. Think he approaches time and schedules differently than the pastor who wears a playful Mickey Mouse wristwatch? Each of us has a personal approach to time that goes beyond the type of wristwatch we choose, though. We call these approaches time styles—and grasping the differences can give you important insights for feeding a time-starved marriage or understanding those who work with you.
It’s tempting to assume that everyone sees time the way we do, but they don’t. Let’s take a look at how our unique styles develop.
Not All Time Is Created Equal
Your time style is basically determined by how you answer two questions:
1) How do I relate to time…subjectively or objectively?
2) Which moments in time get most of my attention…the present or the future?
Accurately answering these two questions can help you avoid misunderstandings and hours of “wasted” time in your relationships. Here’s how to identify your time style.
Subjective vs. Objective Time Keeping
How would you answer the following questions? When you tell a board member you’ll meet him at 3:00, do you mean straight up 3:00 precisely, or do you mean three-ish—somewhere around there?
When you say it’s a 30-minute drive to the store, do you know this because you’ve timed it or because it just “feels” like 30 minutes to you? When you check your schedule for an appointment, do you literally consult a date book or calendar where you continually document your days, or do you just need time to think about what else you have going on around that time and “see if it will work”?
If you mean precisely 3:00, if you’re fairly accurate in your time estimates, and if you keep a detailed date book, you’re probably an objective timekeeper. On the other hand, if you’re more likely to mean “three-ish,” get a “feel” for how long something takes, and you don’t carry a Day-Timer or Palm Pilot, you’re probably a subjective timekeeper.
One of these isn’t better or worse than the other. They just are. Each of us is hardwired differently in our relationship to time. Some people are on one extreme or the other, either hard or soft in measuring time, while others are somewhere in between.
Present vs. Future Orientation
Now, how would you answer these questions?
• Do you spend more emotional energy enjoying the “here and now” or planning for the “there and then”?
• Are you a goal setter? Do you have a specific place you’re headed to years from now, or are you more apt to let the river of life carry you along to your destination?
• Do you spend your money on what you’d like to today, or are you more likely to give serious consideration to how today’s purchase will impact what you can do financially in the future?
If you put more energy into what’s around the corner than you do into what’s happening right now, if you set specific goals, and if you ponder how a financial decision today will impact what you can do tomorrow, you’re likely future oriented. If the opposite is true on these questions, you’re probably present oriented.
Some of us hardly give a thought to what’s next. The time is now. Right now. We’re immersed in what’s going on in the present. We don’t worry much about the future. That only spoils the present. We’d rather seize the moment. And we can’t imagine living life any other way. On the other hand, some of us are perplexed and baffled that anyone could do just that. How do they get anything done, we wonder? How could they not plan for what’s about to happen? Why aren’t they more strategic about getting where they want to go?
Again, some people are on one extreme or the other, either focused on today or focused on tomorrow in approaching time, while many are somewhere in between.
“The Four Time Styles” diagram in the box on the left summarizes these two dimensions.
As you can see, the combination of these two dimensions, “Subjective vs. Objective” and “Present vs. Future,” results in four specific time styles. Let’s take a closer look at each one.
Accommodators
Here you’ll find the people who relate to time subjectively and are present oriented. And because of this they try to accommodate time. In other words, they make room for whatever they want or whatever they value right now. No matter that their schedule doesn’t allow it. Schedule schmedule! These people aren’t about to let a date book mess up their day.
Accommodators can be punctual but beware—the quality that allows them to make time for you when you need them can also cause them to run late.
The Accommodator Says: “Sure, I have the time.”
Strengths: Easygoing, fully present
Challenge: Setting better boundaries
Under stress becomes: Disorganized and lacks follow-through
Dreamers
These people relate to time subjectively but are future oriented. They love what’s about to happen; they have a vision for it. And like a visitor from the future, they can tell you about the excitement that’s just around the bend. No matter that the vision may not be realistic, they want to try it on and simply imagine. They love what could be.
Dreamers are fanciful with their time and often change plans at the last minute.
The Dreamer Says: “I’ve got a great idea for us.”
Strengths: Spontaneous, visionary, optimistic
Challenge: Becoming more realistic
Under stress becomes: Immobilized
Planners
Planners relate to time objectively and are future oriented. They’re all about the schedule and the plan. Like dreamers, they have a vision for what could be, but unlike dreamers, they’re willing to delay their gratification to realize it in the future. Planners are prepared. Or at least they’re in the process of preparing. They plan their work and work their plan.
More than any other time style, planners are the ones who try to control time. They may not always be punctual, but when they’re late it’s usually by their own design.
The Planner Says: “I’ll be with you in just a minute.”
Strengths: Efficient, prepared, take action
Challenge: Living more fully in the present (not multitasking)
Under stress becomes: Impatient and insensitive
Processors
People in this category relate to time objectively and are present oriented. They methodically structure their time and move at a steady pace. They generally finish what they start, and they don’t start what they can’t finish within a reasonable time period. After all, their focus is primarily on the present, not the future.
Processors fix something to a set time and generally stick to it. They follow the routine. After all, they’re objective. If they say they’ll be there at 3:00, that’s precisely when they’ll be there—unless something out of their control prohibits it.
The Processor Says: “I’ll be ready at 9:15.”
Strengths: Punctual, disciplined, paced
Challenge: Relaxing by going with the flow
Under stress becomes: Compulsive and legalistic
It’s important to realize that each of us can move in and out of these time styles. We don’t land in one box and stay there. A variety of factors—from being hungry to who we’re with—can impact our approach to time in a given moment. Still, there’s probably one area in these quadrants where we feel most at home, most comfortable.
LES and LESLIE PARROTT are founders of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and the authors of The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring and Your Time Starved Marriage, from which this article is adapted. For a free assessment go to www.RealRelationships.com.
copyright © 2009 Group Publishing Inc.
